Door Bar

Why You Should Never Use the Disabled Bathroom at a Bar or Nightclub (Unless You're Disabled)

This is a true story that happened to me at my favourite nightclub and is testament to the fact that god has a sense of humor.

It was about 10pm and the night was going quite nicely.  Me and the boys had knocked back a few shots at the bar and were sitting on our beers waiting for the dance floor to fill up… when all of a sudden nature called of the number 2 variety.

So begrudgingly I went to the mens to do my business, only to gag on the disgusting stench emanating from the stalls. Bars and Nightclub bathrooms are bad at the best of times, but this was taking stench to the next level.  This didn't even take into account the fact the wasn't a piece of toilet paper to been seen and the stall doors were hanging off their hinges.

There was no way on god's green earth I was going to do my business in there so I decided to head back to the nightclub dance floor and bare it.

So after a couple more rounds at the bar, nature had given up calling and had become violent.  So I decided to bite the bullet and head to the men's, when on my way I noticed the disabled bathroom…  But this wasn't just a bathroom… it was the bathroom of my dreams.  Clean, spacious and vacant, this was the most amazing site I'd seen at a bar or nightclub ever (or so it seemed at the time.)  But then the ethical dilemma set it… Was it morally right to use the disabled bathroom… is this on the same level as parking in a disabled spot?

Taking the ethics into consideration, I decided to take a quick glance at the bar and dance floor to see whether there were any disabled patrons that may find themselves in the same predicament I was currently in.  I couldn't see anyone so decided to head in.

Let me tell you of the many bar and nightclub experiences I have had, this was amazing.  No stress worrying about some drunk kicking the stall door in, no time pressure knowing someone might be waiting and most of all, no hygiene concerns as one normally associates with bathrooms at bars and nightclubs generally…. or so I thought.

So halfway through my business my delight turns to outright fear as I get a knock at the door.  This was no a "polite tap-tap is anyone in there knock" this was a knock with intent.  A few seconds later came the "bang bang" at the door followed by a "who the F%#K is in there."  I wasn't sure if this was a bouncer, the disabled bathroom police or a SWAT team, but I decided it was at this point in time I needed to finish up.

Let me tell you there is nothing worse than being forced to hurry up on any day of the week, let alone blind drunk on a Saturday at a nightclub surrounded by attractive women.  The knocks within a minute then turned to crashes as whomever on the other side began to try and knock the door down.   With each shoulder charge, the lock on the door began to flex more and more until it looked like one more hit would bring the door tumbling down.

So to prevent the worst possible embarrassment to ever happen to a bar or nightclub enthusiast, I rushed to the door, pants half down (without washing my hands) and opened it, to be met by an angry looking bouncer.  We both stared at each other for a few seconds at which point he asked very calmly "what are you doing?"  My mind raced as to what my answer should be… Should I fake a disability? Should I run? Should I beg forgiveness? However given my state, I decided to keep it simple… "I was doing a shit…………."

It was it this point my heart raced wondering whether I was going to get a beating in front of the modest crowd of people that had assembled around the entrance to the bathroom, with my pants down… The bouncer took an aggressive step forward (giving me the impression a hiding was on the cards) and said "Bathrooms are through there."

So after shitting myself for a second time I decided to heed his words, wash my hands in the regular bathrooms and head back to the bar to calm my nerves, only to be confronted by 4 of my mates pissing themselves laughing at my expense.

The question remains how the bouncer knew I was in there and not disabled however the moral to the story… Don't use disabled bathrooms at bars and nightclubs unless you're disabled or wish to be.

 

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